Let's be frank, I'm an asshole and I know it.

Years of abuse, bad relationships, emptiness, regret, and a multitude of other negative emotions , have turn me into a hardened bastard.

I'm overly opinionated, stubborn, insensitive, with a definite lack of compassion for people, and very little empathy.

The doctors call it PTSD. Whatever label someone throws on it, it doesn't change what or who I am. It makes me impossible to live it, intolerant of changes to my environment, constantly irritated, and unapproachable.

There is a period between when someone meets you and when they find out who you are. I do pretty good with people until they find out I don't give a shit about their problems. They either accept that (few seem to) or they don't. I don't care to hear gossip or know anything about your life that doesn't directly concern me.

I really like the part in dating when the woman thinks your the best find in the world and how could anyone ever not want you. Usually within 6 months to a year, the newness wears off and eyes begin to open. The really slow, desperate ones can take considerably longer.

I've had a fucked up life and I'm just not able to put it behind me. The older I get the worse I become.

I really wish I was someone else. I wish that I'd had a different life. It really isn't fair. I have a high IQ, artistic ability, I'm faithful, and honest. All of those positive traits over run by my dislike of people. I have few social skills and my willingness to give a shit about etiquette is lower and lower every passing year.

Even when I'm in a relationship, I feel completely alone in the world. I feel like I have to look out for me because no one else is. When it comes down to it, I have to do what is best for me. Trying to put my desires aside hasn't done anything but cause regret, missed opportunities, and resentment.

Oh yes, I do hold grudges, forever. I'm not vengeful, but I don't forget and those things effect how I deal with people in the future.

I feel obligated to tell the women I get involved with that I have PTSD. I try to explain. It just doesn't seem to sink in. Then later on they point out my faults and things I already tried to tell them. They are preaching to the choir. I'm the one who tried to tell them and they didn't listen.

Sure, it seems like I do nice things for people. But, be assured it's for selfish reasons as I feel it will some how benefit me in the long run to be nice in an instance.

Now, casual conversations with me would never reveal any of this. My condition can't be treated with medication. I'm not chemically imbalanced and my problem is not hereditary. Years of heavy medication in late 80's and into the 90's proved fruitless. If you're taking an aspirin for a headache you don't have, it isn't going to help.

So, I'm an asshole. It's who I am. I can't change that. I'm a miserable person and everything I touch turns to shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... This sounds like a poor me rant. But don't be fooled. I'm not histrionic and everything I've written is the absolute truth. Maybe I needed to vent, maybe more.